I saw someone the other day who I am coaching as he changes from one career to another. He is a sucessful, talented man in his early 40s. The transition, quite exciting now that he is committed to it, is a result of a divorce from an eleven year relationship and he is hungry for the second act of his life to begin.
He seemed distraught with himself when he came into my office. "What's going on?" I asked, "what's making you upset?"
He told me he had met a young lady at a wine bar in the East Village, paid for drinks and dinner, and then invited her to his home. They had sex and then fell asleep. When he woke eight or nine hours later, he was depressed and withdrawn. They went to breakfast and then she was gone. He felt used and, ironically, more lonely then before.
What was he thinking? He told me a record was playing in his head;
- she wanted me for a good time
- she used me
- I spent money I did not have to impress her
- I feel stupid
- I feel used
Let's learn lessons from moments like this. As my mentor, Dr. Joye Browne taught me, this is life tuition. He paid for a lesson, so let's try to learn something. If we don't, it probably will happen again.
"What is the lesson?" I asked him and he pondered. Then he told me that he thinks because he is lonely, single and insecure, that he will jump at any offer to avoid the pain of being alone. He wants to be with someone, to find a new partner. Did he ever think she was a candidate for that role? No. But jump he did, so eager for any sort of feminine attention.
He then paused and we talked about a work issue. Just as the session was ending he told me something else he had just processed.
"I think being with her actually blocked me from my goal. The next day I was so down I did not go to the gym, I called in an apology to my book club and did not go out with my buddy Randy that night. Who knows who I could have met at the gym or at the lounge he went to that night? By looking for a quick fix, I may have delayed finding love in my life."
In my business we call that a door hanger comment. I could not explore it with him. I could not follow up or ask him questions about it. The time was up and another client was waiting.
So I looked at him and said lowly, "I could not have said it better myself. Excellent analysis."
