CrossAttracted.com

One of the Reasons We Love New York

I admit my love/hate relationship with New York is long-lived. but we do love it for several reasons. One I rarely hear is the surprise of living here.

What do I mean? I am at a cafe blogging and the man next to me appears to be a homeless Rastafarian, about 50. He is here having some tea and recharging his phone. A moment after I plug in, a lady, mid-fifties, approaches him.

"Remember me? I'm the one who gave you one of my favorite Hendrix tapes a few years ago when we were at Strawberry Fields?"

This would not happen in most places. But it happens here. Two people who, in many/most  places would never say a word together, are having a HEATED discussion about the intellectual content of Paul McCartney's music post-Beatles. Wow...I have been here eight years and I still am awed by the level of surprise I find here.

I wish I had my camera (gotta get a camera phone), so I could capture this. She just sat down with him. In my old part of the world, this would be the buzz of the town. But here? Not a soul blinks. We live our lives and have the freedom to be who we are. What a gift that sort of liberty is.

The other day I was walking in Brooklyn and saw a similar sight. A heavy-set African American woman, dressed in conventional male garb, chatting with a woman in a berka. From head to toe, all I saw were her eyes. But I heard her laughter and saw the body language of someone laughing. Where else? Few places. But it is here.

Be Aware of What Makes You Vulnerable

I saw someone the other day who I am coaching as he changes from one career to another. He is a sucessful, talented man in his early 40s. The transition, quite exciting now that he is committed to it,  is a result of a divorce from an eleven year relationship and he is hungry for the second act of his life to begin.

He seemed distraught with himself when he came into my office. "What's going on?" I asked, "what's making you upset?"

He told me he had met a young lady at a wine bar in the East Village, paid for drinks and dinner, and then invited her to his home. They had sex and then fell asleep. When he woke eight or nine hours later, he was depressed and withdrawn. They went to breakfast and then she was gone. He felt used and, ironically, more lonely then before.

What was he thinking? He told me a record was playing in his head;

• she wanted me for a good time
• she used me
• I spent money I did not have to impress her
• I feel stupid
• I feel used

Let's learn lessons from moments like this. As my mentor, Dr. Joye Browne taught me, this is life tuition. He paid for a lesson, so let's try to learn something. If we don't, it probably will happen again.

"What is the lesson?" I asked him and he pondered. Then he told me that he thinks because he is lonely, single and insecure, that he will jump at any offer to avoid the pain of being alone. He wants to be with someone, to find a new partner. Did he ever think she was a candidate for that role? No. But jump he did, so eager for any sort of feminine attention.

He then paused and we talked about a work issue. Just as the session was ending he told me something else he had just processed.

"I think being with her actually blocked me from my goal. The next day I was so down I did not go to the gym, I called in an apology to my book club and did not go out with my buddy Randy that night. Who knows who I could have met at the gym or at the lounge he went to that night? By looking for a quick fix, I may have delayed finding love in my life."

In my business we call that a door hanger comment. I could not explore it with him. I could not follow up or ask him questions about it. The time was up and another client was waiting.

So I looked at him and said lowly, "I could not have said it better myself. Excellent analysis."

Do Something, Anything, Over Labor Day

Labor Day is next week and I am concerned that not all of my clients have something to do and somewhere to go.

Why? Holidays make people depressed. Like clockwork, I know that some of my people will have very hard weekends over the holiday, because they decided they want to "hang out" and "take it easy." Don't get me wrong, I am not anti-relaxation. I think most of us are under-rested, over worked and don't give ourselves enough down time.

That said, holidays have special emotional significance. They remind us of happier days and times when we were with people we loved, who because of distance or changing circumstances cannot be with us in the present. The memory of what used to be and what we don't have now can have great subconscious emotional impact on people, especially ones who are already suffering as a result of a crisis in their lives.

So if you can, get away. And if you cannot? Then schedule some time for yourself outside of your home or work, doing an activity, seeing a friend, being with someone, even if its with people you don't know at a mall, restaurant or bar (keep the drinking to a minimum).

I understand many don't have the financial resources to head to the beach or fly to some fun spot. But  prioritize yourself in some way...do something special for the most important person you know, yourself.

Mother Teresa and Faith

I don't watch much TV, so the gym is my main venue for it if I get it at all. And today, on every channel, the captions all had the phrase Mother Teresa in them. Mother Teresa? How can she make news? She passed away ten years ago.

Then I understood--her papers had been released publicly, and revealed that fact that she was a human.

I am not trying to be smug or belittle anyone's shock that she had doubts about God. For those who are devout, there is a strong need to have the impression that some are not like most, wavering in the beliefs and sometimes of little faith.

But she did have moments of doubt, as revealed in these recent findings. She toiled and struggled and sacrificed, but she did question her savior throughout her life it seems. Does that lessen her accomplishments? Does that mean she was not a good Catholic? A good person?

In my eyes, no. It means she was genuine, and in this world that is the hardest thing one can do. Being brave enough to be oneself, at least in private, was a bold move for a woman as well known as she.

According to today's Daily News, she wanted the letters destroyed. Against her wishes, they were kept and published under the authority of the Church. I must admit I am surprised by that, and see it as a bold move on their behalf. In such a time of struggle for the Catholics, it seems such a move could give their enemies ammunition--one of their most recognized icons doubting God.

So in a way, this has changed my impression of a few pre-existing ideas. Teresa was as mortal as I am. And the Catholic Church surprised me that they did not bury this; the Catholics appear to be secure in their faith that her good works far outweigh this revelation.

New York Daily News

Missing Manners

I know New York City got very high marks across the board from tourists, shocked that the people who worked the front desk at the Manhattan HoJo were just so darn nice. Well, for $350 per bed per night, somebody had better smile.

But the case, I am sad to say, for those of us who reside in the Grande Apple, is not so sweet. New York City suffers from an extreme case of bad manners. No one, with few exceptions, says please, thank-you, excuse me or any other of the social courtesies that make life a tad easier to live.

This is fueled by many things. First, I think it is the anonymity of the City. When you live in Clearwater, Florida or Decatur, Illinois, people know people. If you steal Mrs. Marchman's parking spot, your mother will probably know about it in a few hours. But here, there is very little of that sort of structure. You can shove your way down the street, act like a total ass every step of the way and likely never see any of the people you offended ever again.

There is also a belief most New Yorkers have that they don't have time for such niceties. "This is the big city," they say, "and everyone just goes about their business. We ain't got time for all that stuff." I disagree. I think because there are far more people living here than there is space, we need the social lubrication of manners more than anyone.

And I have seen New Yorkers be polite. In those dark days after 9/11, people talked, made eye contact, and helped one another. I have never seen so many disparate people pull together as I did in the weeks that followed. But once the smoke clear and that burnt plastic smell finally faded away, so did most people's good behavior.

I know we can do it. Why we don't is the question that is bugging me.

Deutsche Bank, the EPA and Ground Zero

The Deutsche Bank Building at Ground Zero continues to bring problems for the City of New York. The building, the only standing wreckage from 9/11, has been a continual source of aggravation, and danger, to the citizens of our city for over five years.

And it continues to be so, as the fire this weekend broke out and killed two more of our City's fire fighters. As a result of this latest tragedy, blogs, the media and everyone in town have been questioning the quality of the air after the fire broke out. Asbestos, along with other unknown toxic chemicals, may have been launched into the wind putting our citizens at risk.

In my opinion, the bigger problem is that we have no authority to turn to in order to reassure us about our safety. Why? Because the Bush Administration Environmental Protection Agency is a joke. They are the ones who lied to people like me and told us to go back to work after 9/11. At the time I was working in the financial district, less than a quarter of a mile from the towers. And even though the streets were clogged with gray dust, in places 4 to 6 inches high, we were told it's okay. Trust us. We did. And as a result, questions about contamination and our exposure to it continue to mount  as people start getting sick and some die.

Bush crony Christie Todd Whitman told us the air was safe, even though they knew that simply was not true. They were willing to sacrifice the name of the Environmental Protection Agency to keep Wall Street up and running. And they were willing to sacrifice all of us to keep the Bush rhetoric machine humming along as well.

So now we have no one to turn to in this case. Sadly, that is what happens when reality is sacrificed in the name of spin.

Gays for Giuliani--a Brilliant Satire

I was just forwarded this video by one of my list serves and found it to be very funny, and make a great point.

"Gays For Giuliani" is the latest in the YouTube-style videos made without consent of the candidates, but meant to comment on them in one way or another. In this case, the video's creators say they want to shape the GOP vote, but making people realize Rudy, was, and still is, very pro-homosexual in his political heart (oxymoron anyone?).

Ryan Davis, a director here in the City, created the short--and a very funny short it is. He says that he wants to remind Republicans of our former mayor's past. Giuliani was, with some exceptions, a very pro-gay mayor. No NYC-based politician, especially in Manhattan, cannot be otherwise. So to pretend like that was all a fantasy and that Rudy is otherwise is cognitively dissonant. But now that I think about it, most politics is.

By the way Ryan--I saw an interview with you on CNN and you say you are not homophobic. Everyone, regardless of how out or proud they are, is homophobic. One cannot come out of this culture and be otherwise. Admit it and then you are one step closer to defeating it.

Click here to watch Gays For Giuliani

RightRides: Safe Transport for Women and Sexual Minorities

As we found out last week, the subway can be a very unsafe place for women. In a press conference , Manhattan Borough President Scott Stringer reported the findings of a sexual harassment survey for NYC's subways. The results were chilling, with 63 percent reporting being sexually harassed on the subway, and an additional 10 per cent reporting similar assaults in the station. I took statistics three times, so I know that means almost 3 out of 4 people who participated had been made to feel violated on the MTA. Ridiculous and sickening.

Of course many, if not most were women. But others in the survey were strangely not mentioned on New York One, or it seems anywhere else. I am talking about gay men, lesbians and the transgendered, who are all easy targets for trouble makers.

That is why I am so happy to report a service with which I had not previously known, called RightRides. It is an extrodinary service that will pick up anyone who feels unsafe travelling by themselves on Saturday night, typically the night where most violence of this sort occurs. Co-founded by Oraia Reid in 2004, RightRides gives rides to anyone who calls on Saturday evenings between midnight and 3 am. For all the information on how to get a ride, or better how to volunteer to this brillant program, the link is below.

Thanks RightRides!

Link to the report of subway harassment
Link to RightRides