CrossAttracted.com

Dr. Joy’s Ethical Problem

Dr. Joy Browne is, for the most part, a wonderful clinician and a helluva advice dispenser. Of the three folks delivered here she is the one I would turn to in times of trouble hands down.

However, sometimes she faces a problem particular to people in broadcasting in that sometimes she attempts to deal with major issues in teeny tiny windows of time.

For instance--in the first hour of her July 9th podcast she decided, at the end of the hour, to address the issues of a woman who is bi-polar, diabetic, obese, and coping with an eating disorder on a fixed income. She wants to become empowered and more positive in her life. Joy’s reply to this situation was a whopping 78 seconds long.

Why? Is she an insensitive person who could care less? No. It was the end of the hour. And radio folk are loath to roll over a caller from one hour to another, as some stations may not carry all three of a broadcast. So she has to make each hour, as much as possible, stand on its own.

Good business, bad ethics. The woman called in good faith to get a response and to Joy’s credit, the response was very informative. But because it was shorter than one of the film reviews she makes us endure, it came off as curt and insensitive.

Joy, you gotta solve this problem with better screening and more of a devil may care attitude toward having a clean break at the bottom of the hour. People who are disenfranchised are the bread and butter of your business. And this woman, who mustered up her courage to call you deserves longer than 15.6 seconds per issue from you.

Dan Savage Makes a Broken-Hearted Lesbian…MORE BROKEN HEARTED!

Well leave it to Dan…the one week I decide to launch my blog he comes in with an episode that is, for the most part, pretty solid. But in his own inimitable way, he thoroughly drops the ball when dealing with the sad lesbian at minute 13.

(1:08) Alan, a 31 year old gay man called in to complain about his 24 year old boyfriend who seems to have a problem keeping his pants zipped up. Interestingly, this budding mental health expert decided to call the anti-therapy authority for advice. However, save for a few jabs at the therapist (8:18) the couple is seeing he does not attack the caller for being in therapy or seeing a couple’s therapist.

Over all I think his advice is right on the money…Alan’s boyfriend is a user and I think his insecurity is what is keeping him locked in place. But I am curious about why Alan hates New York….how could anyone hate New York? (wink, wink)

The next caller, at 8: 50, is right…women having babies earlier is more dangerous. But that is not what Dan has referred to in the past. He is stating, correctly, that people who marry later are more likely to divorce. So perhaps young heteros should think about marrying somewhat later, as Dan says in this episode.

Broken-Hearted Dyke

(13:27) Dan really drops the ball here with the 20-year old lesbian who calls about the fact she and her girl are having to part ways. She asks for ways to not be so emotional when she is still around her lover who she will be leaving in less than a year.

What does Dan do? He makes it worse…horribly worse. Instead of talking to her about strategies to enjoy there time together and not focus on the pain, he reads the girlfriend’s mind and decides that the reason she is not following the caller to grad school is because she does not love her.

Dan, grow up. How dare you surmise, based on second-hand word of mouth, that the sole reason they are parting is because she does not love her? Maybe she does, maybe she doesn’t…but you don’t know! This girl’s mother may be dying of breast cancer, or she may have a child from a teenaged pregnancy or she may hate the city the caller is moving to. MAY. You don’t say that. You affirm that the sole reason is because she does not love her. Bullshit Dan, how do you know that?

Dan has a fantasy that anyone in a relationship should move to Montreal or Phoenix or Madison, Wisconsin for love. Or even for strong like. These two women have been together a “little more than a year” and the caller’s lover, rightly so, does not want to be involved in a long distance relationship. LDRs rarely, if ever, work. She and her gf are going to be in different places and they both know the end is near.

So what would I say to the caller? Talk about your feelings with each other. Focus on having fun in the time you still have together. And forget the insidious “advice” Dan gave you. You two have another year together, so let’s see how that goes. And once you distance between you, the two of you may realize that you can’t live without each other. And when that happens, don’t hesitate to contact me.

So Dan really screwed up with the lesbian couple, but totally redeemed himself at minute 17. The young lady calls because she can only get off in scenes where she fantasizes that she is being raped, but is ashamed to tell the men in her life.

Dan encourages her to explore her fantasies by finding men on-line and being up front about who she is and what she wants. He encourages her to come out of the closet with her desires and lose clichéd notions about S&M relationships.

Dan is right…sex is play. And the sooner this woman, or any of us, gets that, the better off and the happier we will be.

Thirty minutes into the podcast an escort from San Francisco explains how his lack of disclosure about his being positive is okay because “everyone in San Fran has it.” Dan is oh so right here. And beyond his point….morals are universal and are not applicable to certain geographic zones. Being responsible when one is having sex is the same in Saluda and Shanghai. And his rationalization is lazy, selfish bullshit. Not disclosing is wrong. Period.

His last call, at 35 minutes into the cast is right on the money as well. There are no guarantees in this life with anyone negative or positive. So be safe and then see how you feel about this man. The goal here is attempt to put his status in a box and set it aside. And if you can, then ask yourself…do I care about this man?

And if you can’t do that? Then leave. HIV is a big thing and if it is the 800-pound gorilla in the room, then you need to acknowledge that you cant’ be part of a magnetic relationship.

Ready, Set, Go!

So here we go kids…after working behind the scenes for almost a year, I’m ready to stick my toe into the blog pool. Granted, I have splashed around in the shallow end from time to time, but now, after a lot of discussions and a few key meetings with some smart folk, I’m ready to hop in.

How does it work? I listen to podcasts from some of America’s top advice givers and critique them from my perspective as a cognitive behavioral coach. In cases where I disagree—or think they are totally off the mark—I will give my solution to the problem presented.

To start, there will be three sections to consider, what they did right and what they did wrong. I am feeling this out in preperation for my own podcast, so any suggestions you can maek would be appreciated.

So let’s start with my first review, a review of Dan Savage’s podcast from July 8th.